Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Well, I've Never!!

A few years ago (before BF), I had the misfortune of briefly dating a man who, it turned out, was absolutely nuts. Certifiable. I think it was on the third date - after a long and far-ranging discussion of like and dislikes, hobbies and talents, pet peeves and predelictions - that he exclaimed (and I am not joking here), "You're a freaking theatre fag!"

Why, yes...yes, I am.

It wasn't that he'd said it at all, it was how...some great condemnation of things I hold near and dear to my heart. Admittedly, I can recite Sondheim lyrics until I'm blue in the face, I did see A Chorus Line twice in the six months before it closed on Broadway, and I have always been a firm believer that it's a crime to have to use a body mike for a musical - if you can't sell it to the cheap seats, you don't have any right to be on the stage in the first place. (Courtesy of the Ethel Merman School of Belting 'Em Out)

All that aside, I thought about what he'd said for a long time, and weeks later (long after we'd stopped dating), it occurred to me that with so many stereotypes of gay men out there, I could live with being known as a theatre fag - even a freaking theatre fag - and that there were so many things I could have said in my own defense...if only I'd thought of them quickly enough.

So here goes...As I picture the moment now, I hear him say it, and I reply, "Well, I've never!"

I may be a freaking theatre fag, but...

I've never been to a Cher concert (or Madonna, Tina Turner, Bette Midler, Barbra Streisand, Donna Summer, Barry Manilow, Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, Patti LaBelle...)

I've never watched the movie Gladiator, even just for the spectacle of seeing Russell Crowe sweat...a lot...

I've never gone to a nude beach...even just to watch...a lot...

I've never been to Fire Island, San Francisco, or Key West...

I've never been to Gay Day at Disney World...hell, I've never been to Disney World at all!

I've never named a pet after Erica Kane...or any other Soap Opera character...

I've never married/slept with one of my fag hags...

I've never asked one of my fag hags to bear a child for me - nor have I been asked by one of my lesbian friends to donate sperm...

I've never subscribed to Advocate, International Male, Southern Living, Marth Stewart Living, GQ, Mens Fitness...

I've never been a member of any fan club for any celebrity, even when I was a teen..

I've never thought so much of my gayness and natural fabulocity as to offer to actually cut a friend's hair...or an enemy's hair, for that matter...

I've never been on a gay cruise...or a straight one either...

I've never watched Gone With The Wind for start to finish...

I've never had a facial or a manicure or a pedicure...that I didn't give to myself...

I've never blamed my homosexuality on my parents' divorce...or my pastor or my gym teacher or camp counselor...although prolonged early exposure to images of Patrick Duffy in that skimpy little swimsuit as The Man from Atlantis may have helped push me over the edge...just a little...

I've never bought/used Rogaine...yet...(a bit too late for that, eh?)

I've never had any body part waxed...yet...

I've never been disowned by a family member...yet...

I've never had a gym membership...(you were expecting a yet here too?)

I've never seen either of the Queer as Folk series...

I've never owned anything by Gucci, Versace, Armani, Hugo Boss...(If I can't find it at The Gap Mothership, then I probably don't need/can't budget it!)

I've never dressed up as any incarnation of Judy Garland, Liza Minelli, Patsy Kline, Dolly Parton, Bette Midler...

There's so much out there in the media today (pun intended) that makes up the American collected knowledge base of All Things Clearly Gay - that's just not me.

Well, not all of me, anyway.

I am curious. What is it for you, dear readers, that sets off your Gaydar?

8 comment(s):

Jenn in Holland

First of all I love that this guy had some sort of condemnation comment for your particular brand of style. That just totally cracks me up! What a piece of work he must be...
And as for your list what a collection of the I've nevers? It's fabulous! Giggled the entire way through...
I am not a good one to answer the gaydar question. I seem to miss the boat on who is and who isn't when it comes to the people I know. The bottom line is that I really can't imagine using that distinction as a line marking who I hang with. And it is not only something I don't worry about, I actually don't think about it at all. I seriously just don't notice and my friends have had to "come out" to me to get me to catch any hint that was floating out there. Does that make me thick? Maybe. But what I hope is that it makes others comfortable to just be who they are... even if that means I am hanging out (on a blog) with a theater fag!
I just gotta say again, I love this post!
(Condsider that belted from center stage all the way to the second balcony!)

Rose

I have no gay dar what so ever, that said I do know a LOT of straight guys who've done a lot of the things on your list.
My favorite thing about your list? Is that you are, rightly so, completely unapologetic for any of it. Power to the people proud to be themselves!

soccer mom in denial

I KNEW IT! I've:

- been to an Erasure concert
- been to San Francisco AND Key West
- if my husband hadn't been able to, ahem, produce, you were at the top of the list
- had for years (and continue to have) a subscription to Southern Living (LOVE IT)
- was a member of the Shawn Cassidy fan club in elementary school
- watched Gone with the Wind in its entirety
- dressed up as Dorothy from Wizard of Oz

I MUST BE A GAY MAN!! Yipee! Can I go to tea with you this Sunday?

Dan B (no, not Bennett, think harder)
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jenn

Well, I have to admit, my gaydar only works well on American men. Men from anywhere else it is more difficult for me (and I'd assume others to?) for a lot of reasons.

For instance, something that sets off my gaydar is shoes. (Chris says I should say especially men who wear 'shoes with buckles' but that's too specific.) Now, sometimes it is because of the type of shoe or the quality of the shoe. (Here's where the cultural thing can kill me. In Hong Kong lot's of men had on REAL nice shoes and it didn't mean anything, other than they had nice ass shoes.)

Other times it is quantity. Straight American men, at least the ones I know, just do not have a lot of shoes. Maybe 6 pairs total. And that's all seasons. They also cannot comprehend why anyone would need more ever.

If it is a guy I see often and since I am a shoe whore, I notice that he always has on a different pair of shoes, then that's a definite indicator.

You've seriously never had a subscription to GQ? COME ON! So much eye candy!

cathouse teri

Well aren't you just darling!

I found you at gunfighter's page. I just had to see who this man was who said his beef is on the other side. :)

Love the blog.
I am not sure I have a gaydar, though.

Come see me sometime!

Jodi

Okay, I'm not gay, or even a man, but I'm a total-

"theatre fag - even a freaking theatre fag."

I'm dying to see legally blonde and jersey boys. I watch PBS documentarys on broadway and listen to Siruis satelite radio broadway channel.

And, like Allison, I've been to San Fran and Key West.

I

Gunfighter

I don't have much in the way of gaydar... it's probably because I could care less who is or isn't gay.

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